


Don't Tell The Bride: Mass Effect

by OnAStallion



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-03 14:17:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10248419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnAStallion/pseuds/OnAStallion
Summary: Don't Tell The Bride is a reality television show in which 'the groom must choose every detail of his wedding, from venue to cake to wedding dress.' FemShep and Samara are getting married. FemShep is clueless. The crew are unhelpful.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [athaclena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/athaclena/gifts).



_Narrator: Commander G._ _Shepard and Samara met several weeks ago, when Shepard recruited Samara for an important mission._

_Shepard and Samara pose awkwardly on a couch._

Samara: I have had a longer life than your poor excuse for a vid show can contain. But so be it. Her sense of justice intrigued me, and since human lives are so short, such a marriage would intrude only a little on my time.

 

Shepard: Have you seen her in action? I saw her suck the life out of multiple attacking krogan. It was great. Plus I've never been married and we're going to fight the Collectors pretty soon, so I figured why not? Last chance!

 

_There is an awkward silence._

  

_Narrator: Samara leaves the Normandy to visit to a nearby asari temple for meditation and psychic preparation._   _Shepard will remain on the Normandy and organise the entire wedding._

 

_Samara and Shepard kiss goodbye. As the airlock closes behind Samara, Shepard walks towards the common centre_ _, where she finds the entire crew assembled._

 

Grunt: ...Stag?

 

Shepard: No.

 

Grunt: ...Stag.

 

Shepard: ...

 

Grunt: I. AM. STAAAAAG.

 

Shepard: (facepalms) Ugh, f _ine_.

 

_Narrator: The crew decide to have multiple stag parties, one for each species present aboard the Normandy. Wedding planning quickly takes a back seat._

 

_The human-planned 'Afterlife' party ends in a gunfight and no one quite remembers why. The film crew and camera were among the first casualties. Joker has broken thirty bones. All remaining footage of the event has been confiscated by the bouncers and the owner, Aria T'Loak. A second, much more nervous, film crew has arrived to observe the aftermath._

 

Aria: You're banned from Afterlife-

 

Shepard: Oh, come on!

 

Aria: And if I see you again you'll be banned... from  _life_.

 

Shepard: I hate it when you do that. Look at me! I'm not even drunk! I'm not even-

 

_Shepard's gun goes off while she is waving it around indignantly. Unfortunately, it's the Collector Particle Beam, which slices through the nearest table, and chair, and wall, and Batarian bartender._

 

Shepard: Whoops.

 

_Aria pinches her nose._

 

Shepard: I heard he was poisoning humans anyway. That's racist. I probably helped you.

 

Aria: Just... go away.

 

_The crew return to the Normandy and after several hours with Dr Chakwas everyone is given a clean bill of health and a mild scolding for forgetting to invite the doctor along. The ship's resident krogan, Grunt, has found the only Thresher Maw who is also a part-time stripper. The krogan stag party takes place on Tuchanka._

Thresher Maw: **I'M ACTUALLY JUST PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH MED SCHOOL.**

Dr Chakwas: How admirable. You know, I did a little dancing back in my day.

 

Mordin: We all did.

 

_The crew are watching the Thresher Maw dance. Their expressions range. Widely._

 

Grunt: I'd thresh her maw, if you know what I'm saying.

 

Shepard: I... actually don't.

 

Grunt: I'd fight her with honour and tear her guts out.

 

Shepard: Gotcha.

 

_Garrus, Shepard's best friend, calls Liara, Shepard's former girlfriend, to find out what an Asari stag party is like._

Liara: Really, Garrus?

 

Garrus: Well, I don't know who else to ask.

 

Liara: I am not comfortable with this.

 

Garrus: Fine, I'll wing it.

 

_Narrator: Unfortunately the asari stag party is unable to be shown as it does not meet the galactic standards for cultural sensitivity._

 

_Tali'Zorah nar Rayya has reluctantly arranged the_ _quarian stag party. The crew file into the Briefing Room, while Tali sets up a projected vid._

Tali: I didn't want to do this, but sexual education is so important.

 

_Tali dims the lights. There is an expectant hush. The vid shows the words 'YOU AND YOUR SUIT: OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO, THE DISEASES YOU'LL CATCH'._

 

Shepard: Uh. Wait.

 

_Tali locks the door behind her._

 

Shepard: WAIT!

 

_Three hours later, the crew wander out, white-faced and wide-eyed. They do not speak. They each go to their separate cabins, in silence, and take long, hot showers. Garrus stays behind to help Tali tidy up._

 

Garrus: (quietly) So, is that a no?

 

Tali: (quietly) It's a maybe.

 

_Garrus makes a big deal of his Turian 'rite of conscupience' and insists he must have an entire night and half the ship in complete seclusion to conduct it. He leads Shepard to an empty cabin._

Garrus: You're exhausted. I've rerouted all your calls. Sleep. 

 

_Shepard sobs in gratitude._

 

Garrus: Yeah well (coughs uncomfortably) I have calibrations to do _._

_Shepard is asleep even before Garrus closes the door._


End file.
